Bill's Trombone

BILL'S TROMBONE
by
Edwin John

When Bill were late from work one night he hadn't come to harm
But when he did arrive he carried parcel under th' arm.
"What's that?" said owd Bill's missus in a somewhat doubtful tone,"
"I bought it secondhand," said Bill wi' pride, "its a trombone!"
That properly set missus off, but Bill didn't dispute her,
He just ate tea and went upstairs and took his trombone tutor.

First blast he gave cracked window pane and it were such a row
T neighbours thought as somebody were torturin' a cow!
And policeman on his beat outside turned pale and phoned up station,
And streets away folk bunged up ears, there was some consternation!
As weeks went by his tone improved and neighbours got immune,
And now and then they even thought they recognised a tune.

A circus come to town one day wi' band trombonist ill,
And manager were in a sweat until he heard of Bill.
He found him in the "Dog and Duck" and offered him a job,
Wi' loan of fancy uniform as well as fee five bob
That night in tent Bill looked a treat and music sounded grand,
Especially when Bill were playin' same tune as the band!

All Wigan folks was there enn block, Bill's missus were that proud,
She said "Bah Gum! I never knew our Bill could blow that loud!"
The star turn of the show were then a furrin' looking chap
Climbed into cage o' roarin' lions and didn't care a rap!
At least he didn't care until the biggest lion made bold
To sock him one in t' lug wi' paw and laid the beggar cold!

Then this ferocious animile walked straightway out of cage
And glared around the circus ring lashin' his tail wi' rage.
There weren't no rush for doors or owt, and all was still as still,
For t' folks was petrified wi' fear, all exceptin' owd Bill.
He climbed down from his seat in t' band and walked into the ring,
And putting trombone next lion's ear, he blew like anything!

At this the creature gave a roar, but owd Bill didn't flinch,
He blew another mighty blast and never gave an inch.
This made the lion blink a bit, he thought as Bill were spoofin',
And then he let off such a roar as nearly fetched the roof in!
Bill looked the lion up and down and said "All right, you gump,"
Then took trombone and blew a noise resemblin t' last trump!

He blew trombone clean inside-out, and spellbound folks all saw
T' lion put tail betwixt his legs and touch forelock wi' paw.
He gave a coo like little dove, his face were drawn and sad,
As owd Bill shoved him back in t' cage, and people cheered like mad!
And as he stood in t' circus ring before the cheerin' masses,
He found himself kissed on both cheeks by buxom circus lasses!

"Look here, me lad," said missus, when she got Bill home that night.
"Dunna thee play wi' lions no more thee gave me such a fright!
"I'll tell thee what," she added, "i've ne'er heard of such a thing
As kissin' them there hussies in a public circus ring!"
Bill said he wouldn't play no more as his trombone was burst,
The runnin' costs were far too high in keepin' down his thirst!

from Make 'Em Laugh